Buying gifts for your girlfriend is not the easiest assignment at Xmas time.

Gift giving itself is not rocket science - but buying for a special person requires special care to ensure that your present will bring you both kudos (read: "emotional") and material gain.

Where does a brother in need turn in such circumstances? A quick look on the net reveals stunning advice like the following (from AskMen.com):

"Unless you went to a boutique with her and she tried on a particular pair of pants, don't ever purchase trousers for your woman."

Insightful eh?

In lieu of an authoritative online gifting companion, I offer you, dear reader, the following Girlfriend Gift Scoring Guide.

Girlfriend Gift Scoring Guide

Here's a few criteria you boys ought to be looking at and scoring on the following scale (-1,0,+1):

1. Surprise
Showstopper (+1) I'll be picking her jaw off the floor
Traditional (0) I think one of her friends got this last xmas
Expected (-1) She picked it at the store herself

2. Delight
Stoked (+1) Luke after he blows up the Death Star
Happy (0) Luke after he rescues his X-Wing from the swamp
Gutted (-1) Luke after he discovers that Leia is his sister

3. Practicality/Usefulness
Dialysis machine (+1) "Seeing how you lost your kidneys, me and the insurance company went halves"
Socks (0) "The more socks you got, the less often you need to do the washing right?"
Elvis shaped candle-holder (-1) "Lets put it somewhere we can find it when the power goes out"

4. Romance
Enrico Englesias (+1) A straight Ricky Martin
Carlos Santana (0) Plays guitar well at least
Cesar Rosas of Los Lobos (-1) Richie Valens was a tough act to follow though

5. Market response
Anything related to art (1) Extra point if its a product of your labour
Anything related to appliances (0) Friends and family can borrow it over weekends
Anything related to sex (-1) Excellent chance that mother in-law will ask her what she got over dinner.

6. Investment
Pro bono trade (1) Strengthens the balance sheet
Bootstrapping (0) Squeeze more out of your current assets
Issue bonds (-1) Long-term financial restructuring required

7. Sensitivity/Thoughtfulness
Bruised testicles (+1) She'll be crying for days
Tooth ache (0) Only her single friends will hear about it
Bleeding knees (-1) If she complains I'll tell her to harden up


Scoring
3 to 8 points
Good work soldier, you've hit enough KPIs to be awarded the Victorian Cross for Valour Under Festive Fire

-2 to +2
A solid day's effort in the trenches. You've earnt five minutes break, so take a swig of brandy, check your ammo, and get back to it soldier!

-3 to -7
A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

Good luck for next Xmas.

p.s. I got 4 points (with one point deducted for incomplete assembly unfortunately)

Empirical investigation will reveal that the typical expat xmas consists of one of only three possibilities:

a. Flee the carp-consuming Prague populace for family somewhere else
b. Congregate with other foreigners of the roast poultry for dinner faith
c. Drink heavily, cry intermittently

In this case, me and my nearest and dearest are (once again) statistical outliers.

Alan - Enjoying a displaced NZ xmas here in Prague with his whole family
Jason - Doing the Czech family thang with carp, potato salad, baby jesus et al
Charin - Hanging with his sister, visiting from London
Me - Constructing furniture and wondering if anyone is coming to pry me off this blogging tool

Its Christmas Eve in Prague.

Czechs really get into Christmas Eve. This is the time that they gather the family, share gifts and finally give death to the carp in their bath.

Interestingly, Santa Claus never made it to Czech rep - here the gifts are allegedly delivered by baby Jesus. Personally, I think idea makes the explanation of a fat man on flying sled bringing gifts via people's chimneys sound relatively plausible. Now I think about it, I haven't seen any Czech xmas movies yet, which could be due to the added difficulty of writing screenplays for an infant messiah.

Celebrations are more or less all wound up by the time the naked weather girl appears on late night tv. Therefore Christmas day itself is really just a time to relax, digest, and lament the excesses of the season.

It may seem a little strange to foreigners, but it does represent some excellent benefits for the Westerners in town. Primarily, it allows you to spend time with Czech friends/family/inlaws on xmas eve, and then party it up Xmas day proper with the expat crowd.

Other interesting Czech traditions:

- If you fast until Christmas eve dinner, then you may see a golden piglet that will give you luck for a year.
- If you cut an apple in half, and the seeds form a star, you will have good luck
- If you leave the dinner table early, you will die in the next year (?)